Miss Amanda Todd

If you haven't already heard, on October 10, 2012 Amanda Todd - a victim of horrific bullying - took her own life. She wasn't yet 16.

This hit me really hard. In grade 10, a girl in my grade hanged herself because of the same reason. Nobody had any warning. One day she was just gone. While we weren't friends, I was in a bunch of classes with her and we were both in the school play the year before. The last time I spoke to her was on anti-bullying day.

But people had warning for Amanda. She put a video on youtube detailing all that she had gone through a month before this all happened. And either nobody noticed, or nobody was able to step in and take it seriously and help this poor, broken girl. This has been happening all to often.

One of the worst things that I'm finding are all the heartless comments on articles and copies of her original video. People are blaming her. Since when is it appropriate to blame the victim? Ever? It's like the view that wearing a short skirt means you're "asking" to be raped - it doesn't work like that. Speaking from experience, NOBODY asks to be bullied. I don't care if you don't approve of her behaviour or think that she didn't learn when she should've, she was still beaten and tormented and abandoned by everyone. Nothing warrants that. Nothing.

There's also the view that she's a horrible, selfish person for committing suicide because it doesn't accomplish anything. It doesn't get the bullies to stop. And it does hurt those left behind. But don't you dare imply that it's selfish. Is it selfish to want someone to make it stop? Is it selfish to want to not hurt? I don't care how much you've been through and that you're still here - she couldn't take it. And that's what matters. She had put up with so much that she just wanted the hurting to end. She was in so much pain that she couldn't hang on any more. That is nobody's fault but the bullies' and those who didn't stop them. Her family is hurting, her friends are hurting and all of us who have ever been affected by bullying should be hurting too because someone out there felt so alone that they had to take themselves away from those who loved them, even if they didn't show it enough. And now they'll never have that chance.

This needs to stop. I know writing this isn't going to help, but sometimes it helps to write it out. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that everyone has been a bully at some point or another, even if you try not to be. Sometimes that little comment you make hurts someone more deeply than you can possibly imagine, even if it's perfectly benign to you. We need to stop that, and stop the outright stuff too. Online or off, we really need to learn that what we say and do impacts others. Even if you feel justified, don't do it. It'll take a conscious effort and a lot of time, but people can change. We can also be nicer. Sometimes sitting with someone or asking the lost looking person just sitting there when assigned to groups to join yours can make all the difference. You may just meet someone for a class, or you could make a friend. You never know, and if nothing else, I can guarantee you that that person will appreciate it more than you can know. Sometimes the little things add up, and that goes in either direction. Maybe if we're all better people at least most of the time we won't be losing anymore beautiful children. Maybe.

It's worth a shot.

The Thing About Me and Adrenaline

For those of you who haven't clued in - I'm crazy! No, seriously. I suffer from a clinical mental disorder. I have OCD, as well as accompanying debilitating social anxiety disorder (we're investigating if it's a product of my OCD or a separate condition). Alongside that I've had to deal with depression, and self-harm (moderate cutting and dermatillomania - ie obsessive skin picking). Because my best friend also suffers from a mental disorder, we decided to vlog about it, and our experiences. We've had a very positive response so far, until today when someone decided to be very accusatory and a total know-it-all because he happens to suffer from something that I mentioned. Rather than say what he didn't like, he (paraphrasing here) said that we aren't qualified to talk about mental illness, and his is more difficult to deal with than ours.

That upset me. Immensely. I can take constructive criticism. I can respond well to that, and figure out how to adjust it when people tell me what I did wrong. Instead, he belittled our efforts to provide a positive space for other people going through similar things to what we are. We weren't at all trying to say that we know everything. That couldn't be farther from the truth. In the context of the video, I simply mentioned that borderline personality disorder is an example of mental illness, and that people are often misdiagnosed as bipolar when they have bpd, which means that they aren't necessarily given proper treatment. Which is bad. I was more trying to bring more awareness to bpd (which is often very overlooked, sadly), but I suppose my intentions were misunderstood. Now I'm fretting that I've done something wrong and also very angry that someone would have the audacity to be so cruel about it. I checked out this gentleman's channel, and he seems to discuss bpd in all his videos, presumably to raise awareness, much the way we are (although for us in a more general way right now). It's like he thinks we're enemies when were working towards a common goal - showing that there are others out there going through things and that sometimes life is tough. I get the feeling he's the sort who blames everything on his illness, and that the world hates him. Sometimes you just have to go through it and make the best out of it. Be someone with and illness, don't let it define you. It's only a part of the bigger picture, and it's all about what you make of it. My friend and I are turning it into an opportunity for us to bond, and to hopefully help others.

The side effect of me being so antsy about this has to do with adrenaline. When I get agitated, my flight response goes into overdrive and I shake uncontrollably, get chills and have difficulty breathing. It also usually leaves me exhausted, but unable to sleep for a very long time and with a horrible headache. Basically, in his search for conflict, the lovely composer63 has left me extremely ill, but I'm sure he's sleeping just fine. In the future, the folks at luneverse (our channel) shall just delete those comments if they aren't polite.

Gay Marriage

Anyone who knows me knows that I am very pro equal rights, and I'm very vocal when it comes to gay rights. A few minutes ago, I was watching an amazing pro-rights video and read the comments, some of which disgusted me. Many of them were based heavily upon religious views (I only noticed Christian arguments, and it's also the relgion I'm most familiar with), so a lot of this shall be in response to the things I read and how I feel about it. I'd like to recognize now that there are extremists who are cruel on both sides, and not everybody who calls themself something believes in the same thing as others, and I'm in no way trying to insinuate this. If I lump people together, it's the people who take it too far, although I may use vague terminology.

So here's the scoop. I really don't care about someone's religion, or their opinion. I am not going to argue with someone who feels that being gay is wrong. It's not fair of me. I may view their opinion as wrong to me, but I will not deny them the right to possess it, and I'd expect the same courtesy from them. I'm not going to fight that battle anymore. I used to, and I still feel the same way about it as I used to, but I've realized it was cruel of me to tell people that their opinion is wrong. That's the thing about opinions. They can't be wrong. They can be ignorant, but, really, they can't be wrong, they're opinions not facts (although presenting an opinion as fact can be disputed). The thing is, when someone's opinion causes harm to others, it's no longer fair. It's valid, but the use of it is one of the worst things someone can do.

What's the harm in this you may ask? You're denying someone else the rights that you enjoy. And why should you be able to enjoy it if they can't? What makes you so different? You believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman? That's great. You're free to marry the person of your dreams who is of the opposite gender. Nobody's asking you not to. But perhaps someone doesn't love someone of the opposite gender. It's not going to hurt your marriage because it's theirs. Your idea of marriage doesn't have to change. You just have to move over a bit so someone else is free to enjoy their version.

I hear a lot that gays can be common law partners or whatever and that's fine. Why is it fine? Why is that any different to you than marriage? Realistically it's an extremely important bond between people that they display in a legal and public manner. Maybe they grew up in the same culture as you where people want to get married. Not every gay does, and not every straight does either. But should everyone have a choice? Not everyone who gets married (even if it's a man and a woman at the focus of the ceremony) believes in a religious version of marriage. They just happened to love someone and want to get hitched. Why shouldn't that stop, too? Why should this be the one thing that people zero in on to enforce? Many people conveniently forget parts of the Bible, such as the slavery, the sacrifice, the shellfish. There's no need for this to be the one thing that people impose on others. If a same-sex couple happens to ask a member of your clergy to marry them, your clergy can say no on the grounds of their belief. That's fine, but should those people not be able to be married in a secular ceremony, the same way that so many men and women are married? Those marriages aren't viewed as invalid, last I checked. They're different, but that doesn't make them wrong.

At the end of the day, it's all about love and loving someone enough to extend the same rights that we enjoy. Love them enough to make their own choices. Is the basis of most Christian belief not that the Lord loved humanity so much that He sent to them His only son? Are you not supposed to love your neighbour, even if that neighbour is gay? Is that not a positive thing? Should you not love someone enough to make their own decisions, as they will do when they love someone enough to decide to marry them (which should be the basis for all marriage, in my opinion, and I'm sure the opinions of many others, regardless of stance on what marriage should be)? Sure, feel free to present your opinions and reasoning to them so that they can understand where you're coming from, but offer them enough love to listen to their reasoning and let them make their own choices. Do not stop them from choosing. If someone who believes in what you do can make the decision to believe whatever they do, and you trust them, trust others. Love them enough to make their own decisions and live their own lives but do not stop them from doing so. Believe in what you'd like, but something like this does not affect you. Fundamentally, they are not asking you to marry someone of your own gender, or to not believe in what you do. They are just asking for your courtesy and respect. Love them enough to give it to them. Love them enough to support them. Love them enough to stand aside and let them appreciate the same things you do. Love them enough to make decisions for their own immortal soul if that is what you are worried about. If your God is loving enough to see that you are being respectful and loving and that you are not allowing someone these pleasures because you do not believe, but because you believe so much in Him and his love for all that you will not stop someone from being happy, I think your soul should be safe. Let them make the decisions about their soul themselves. It does not hurt you.

Where I've been

Life is super hectic as my first year starts to come to a close. I have several research products/presentations that I need to prepare, and soon I'll need to start studying for exams so I can bring my marks up, so I haven't really had time to write. I'm not sure if I'll be doing Screnzy this year or not. I really want to, since I enjoyed it last year, but April is when I'm writing my exams. I'll have to measure my ability to deal with both and go from there, so it's up in the air at the moment. I do have an idea for it, though, so if I decide to do it, it'll all work out.

But, yeah, this is where I'm at. That and having major deja vu apparnetly. It's so distracting I've lost what I was going to say. Anywho, cheers for now!

Melodrama!

Is precisely what my last post was. I was having a very, very bad day. I'm better now, though. I'm also about to, once again, get on the road to revision. This time I'm going to a print shop and having them make a copy of my manuscript so I have physical sheets of paper to mark. I'll keep an update on how it goes, and describe my person process as I discover it. I'm quite excited.

Indefinite Hiatus

I give up. My head's not being very nice, so writing is going on the backburner if not in the garbage. Probably won't be back, but we'll see.
If you've actually read any of this, and aren't simply propogating your own blog (since, yeah, I do check my traffic sources), thank you.
Cheers and good luck

:)

I'm writing again. I'd stop to say more, but I'm on a serious writing high and it feels great, so I'm going to get back to exploiting that. Until we meet again (hopefully sooner than this past chunk of time).

Cheers

Note About Previous Post

I realized after posting that a lot of what I said sounds very anti-Christian, and you're right, in a way it definitely can be interpreted as such. However, this is not in any way intended to portray ALL Christians as the bad guys, since anyone, regardless of what they call themselves, can be cruel. It cannot be attributed to any one group. It was not my intention to present any sort of animosity.

The Great Christmas Debate (and My Unsolicited Two Cents)

Am I the only one who is horribly offended by the outrage expressed by some people who feel that Christmas is being stolen away from them? Here's the scoop. I celebrate Christmas. Not Christmas as it had originally been which is a celebration of the birth of Jesus (and other nuances that I personally don't fully understand because I'm not particularly religious), but the very commercialized thing that it has become. I like the trees, I like Santa, I like the baking, the snow and the music both secular and otherwise. I used to participate in Christmas pageants every December because I went to a Protestant elementary school (although the only difference between us and a public school was that we said the Lord's Prayer in the morning - which was not mandatory, you just had to stand as a sign of respect for the belief of others - and read Bible stories at our weekly assemblies; we had Sikh students and Jewish students and any other number of different religious representations so we were hardly picky). I'm accustomed to saying "merry Christmas" to people when I wish them well during the holiday season.

The thing is, though, not everyone celebrates Christmas. Which, quite frankly, I think is totally awesome. I like seeing the diverse way in which people spend their time and celebrate. It is well within their rights as humans to do so. Conformity shouldn't be mandatory. I would never demand that someone wish me a merry Christmas if they don't celebrate it. It's shallow and unreasonable of me to do so. Fundamentally, regardless of what you believe in, it's a matter of opinion about what you choose to celebrate. You may have your reasons to do so, but they back up opinion not fact. The people who celebrate the Solstice are just as valid as those who celebrate Hanukkah, and the same goes for the Christians who celebrate Christmas. Nobody is trying to take your Christmas away from you, you're still welcome to celebrate it. It's horribly impolite, though, to shove it down anyone else's throats. Is that not fundamentally what the fuss is about? People who celebrate Christmas feel that the people who celebrate other things are shoving it down their throats by protesting?

The way I see it is that a lot of it comes down to the who was here first debate. Since Christianity is the overwhelmingly dominant religion, it is seen as the one that people must abide by, for we live in "Christian" nation. It was what was here first, the Christian people. Actually, if we're going to go into that, if you're white and Christian, you don't belong here. Regardless of how long your family has been here, you are technically an immigrant and your religion is a transplant from another place. It was the religion and way of life that was, at times, violently forced upon the people who were here first - the indigenous population (and I apologize if I'm not using the correct terminology, it keeps changing and I'm never sure what to say). In saying that you have to keep Christmas, are you not denying other people the right to practice celebrations associated with ways of life that are far older than yours?

And if you're one of the people who says that they're welcome to celebrate it, but they're to keep it in their own homes and to themselves, I would like to be hypocritical and say that I want to put you through a window. In believing such things you are doing EXACTLY what you don't want everyone else to do - shut you away in a closet. If you don't believe in what they are doing, that's perfectly fine, but don't you dare oppose it. Nobody has any more right than anyone else. If you wish to illustrate your allegiance to a particular belief set, go for it, but everyone else should be allowed to, too. The next time you're told to wish someone a happy holidays and you want to object, can you honestly say that you would be perfectly fine participating in Hanukkah pageant (for instance) and being wished a happy Hanukkah? If so, feel free to wish someone a merry Christmas. You're allowed to. It's called religious freedom. But they're just as free to say that they don't want to participate in something that's Christmas and that they'd like some sort of representation, too. Never have I ever been wished anything but a happy holidays or merry Christmas, and I would be honoured to think that someone would think highly enough of me to wish me the best of whatever they believe in, regardless of what that may be. I see it as less them forcing their beliefs upon me, and more that they care enough about me to want me to qualify in a category that they value above all others.

That's what I think about all of this. I personally cannot represent all celebrations, religious or secular, but I welcome other people to help me. After all, isn't the point to everything to value love and togetherness, regardless of what it's called?

P.S. Yay for rants that don't make sense! If you're offended, feel free to tell me why. I love to hear people babble on in the righteous manner that I always do.

Evil Corporations = Scrooge

Sometimes blogs can be really nasty and negative, like Regretsy (I still read it though, because I enjoy sarcastic commentary). However, when those blogs try to rally their users to do something nice, apparently they aren't allowed to. Why? Because PayPal is EVIL. Here's a link to give you the gist (the Regretsy one is more detailed, but this sums it up). http://www.geek.com/articles/geek-cetera/paypal-ruins-christmas-for-over-200-kids-2011126/

People like this just make me so aaaaangry.

The Final(ish) Report

This year's NaNoWriMo was easily the most irritating of all of them. Last years was really not very great either. Much like this year, I primarily hit my word counts through Write or Die. It was one of the best decisions I've made, since I can get 2500 words plus in half an hour so I can get things done. Unfortunately, this year, even with that. I barely managed to finish. My usual schedule involved me writing right after getting up (and showering, since cleanliness is next to godliness, and everyone knows that writers want to be gods, even if only for their own worlds), buuut stuff interfered with that. There were days when I'd get up and have to get straight to working on homework or I slept in and had someone coming up to see me so I had to get straight to getting reading and didn't have time. A lot of the time, those days turned into the ones where I wouldn't write at all. I'm notorious for being the sort who plans to do stuff and then will do everything under the sun to not do it. I will become bored as hell in my attempt to procrastinate as much as possible. Actually, that's exactly what led to this post. I have an English essay that I don't feel like working on, so rather than doing it, I've decided to get around to writing this like I  said I would. The point is, NaNoWriMo was hard.

Actually, any writing is hard. Getting into the habit of writing is one of the best things anyone can do, but also one of the hardest. Part of writing is that you become so attached to the people in your head when you're in that space that you move to when you write, that it an be hard to get into it and then force the characters out of there. Part of what is needed to be a really good writer is to be able to follow where you think is best and let your characters (well, instincts) guide you, but sometimes you have to kick them in the butt. Whether or not you want to some of them will have to die, or be mean, or painfully homophobic. You have to be able to separate yourself from that, but sometimes it's hard to force yourself to do so. They're like your babies, and you don't want people to see all their faults. Instead, you want to stick them into an oversized crib and hire a nanny to make sure that the other kiddies on the playground don't start gnawing on their head or wiping boogers all over them. Really, the best thing you can do is let it go and just run with it and enjoy the entire process. I'm not at that point yet.

I am at the point, though, that I can say I've written more words in a month than many people who want to write will ever spit out in their entire life. And it's all for one book in this case, not a ton of books that I've started and stopped. I took something, moved past the planning stage (that most people get stuck on for whatever reason and never move past - my chair isn't comfy, my space isn't right, I don't have a name for my FMC's third cousin twice removed who you'll never meet but you'll hear about once in chapter seventeen) and done something. It's not something that the world will ever see in this case, at least I've done something. I have accomplished something that was fun, got a story out of my head, and reminded me that I can write. It's pretty darn awesome all around. Now it's time to move on to my next project - working on the novel that I actually like and starting the rewriting process that I've decided to start on fifty million times. This time, I want to get it done. Before that, though, there's a Christmas story that I offered to write someone. But before I can even work on that, I have an English essay to write.

Pfft. Priorities.

Cheers :)

Psst, Izza Secwet

Not really. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done I'm done I'm done. There's a song for that in my head, but I can't explain that without finale. Well, I have reading to go catch up on, so I'm going to go do that, I shall reflect on the entire process at some point later. Ta ta for now!

Validation

Today is the day when I can officially validate my novel and win NaNoWriMo. Theoretically, at least. I can't actually, since I'm grotesquely behind - by 3094 words, in addition to the rest of the words I'd need, which would be dictated by the number of days left. Soooo something like 11k. Which is a lot when you're getting close to exams and have a bunch of super boring homework that you have to do or else risk losing 20% of your mark in a given course. That's why I haven't been blogging much. I haven't had time. That and I've been lazy. Surprise surprise. Anyway, bedtime before another day where I plan to write and the world interferes with my plans. I sincerely hope I win this year. I'm going to do some serious kitten punching if I don't.

Toodles!

Eeeevil

Is the only word that could possible describe homework. I'm now two days behind, but I've kind of got my mojo again, and I've figured out how to make Write or Die work. So hopefully I can take a couple hours this weekend and get caught up. Anyway, I need to get back to edited a critical reflection essay. Happy writing!

Writing in the Red

I'm around a day behind in my word count, which is pretty annoying. I was hoping to build up a buffer this weekend, but instead I only managed to go the opposite direction. Oh, well, it happens sometimes. That's the nice thing about this being my fourth year. I know how it works. I know that there are times that you'll end up very far behind, but that you can just write yourself out of them and everything will be fine. The only time you're ever legitimately screwed is when you get discouraged because of your count and hardly try. That's not the point. The point is to write and enjoy it. If you enjoy it, you'll get up to your word count in no time. Now if only that same principle could apply to history essays...

Bad Days

Today has been a very long day. One of the ones that you dread happening at any point during NaNoWriMo, but especially this early. To begin with, I have a ton of assignments all due within a day of each other and they all have to be done and done well. I have ideas for two of them, one of them is very vaguely outlined and has the first few sentences of the introduction written, but that's about it. I still have a full line of research to complete for another essay where I'm not allowed to use any material from the course text. Next, I have a ton of personal stuff going on that is leaving me very distracted and that is extraordinarily emotionally draining. Couple that with pre-existing procrastination problems and you've got yourself a winning souffle of fail. It means I spend hours staring at pages unable to do anything, and instead skimming around the internet instead of working on my mountain of homework (which includes a ton of reading, too, not just a few assignments) or working on NaNoWriMo.

Which brings me here. It's 10:30 at night and I am exhausted. Plain and simple. I want to work on WriMo, I also want to get the paper done that I swore to myself I'd get done yesterday. But I can't. I have my fingers on the keys and add maybe a dozen words to my file, or I hold my pencil and poke dots onto my paper. Some days, nothing's going to come. Days like today. And what do you need to do sometimes when that happens? Promise to do it in the morning. Make a commitment to follow through. Go to bed.

Good night.

The Joy of Difficulty

I'm behind. Yes, already. No, not by all that much. However, I am still behind. Why? Because I'm a good student! I've been doing homework. I feel that not flunking out of university is marginally more important than focusing solely on NaNoWriMo. It's a close call though. However, anyone else doing this who is putting NaNoWriMo ahead of all of their schoolwork, you're not getting the point! It's for fun! School is not. You're paying lots of money for school, or your parents are in taxes. Writing may be more fun, but if it doesn't work out you'll never be getting into university, and your options'll be reduced. So remember your homework, people!

P.S. Today's post is brought to you by the exclamation point.

First Day

Happy NaNoWriMo everyone! I just finished my word count for today. I'd forgotten what an amazing feeling that is, knowing that you've accomplished that before 9 in the morning. There's something oddly liberating knowing that you have such a concrete goal that you'll just force yourself to write through any rough parts. If only I could do that every other time I hit a wall.

In the past, when I've hid a wall during WriMo, I used this awesome program called Write or Die. I've discovered that I can't with this computer though, since it has a habit of doing very odd things without my telling it to. I discovered this when I was several hundred words in this morning, and it decided to highlight it. Given the speed at which I type, I didn't notice until I'd hit something and it overwrote everything that I'd written. It was a lovely way to start the day. I still managed to finish though. Hopefully that will be my only NaNoWriMo fiasco.

I hope anyone else who's decided to take the plunge doesn't run into any problems. Good luck, everyone, and remember, it's not to late to start!

One Day More

Not only is that one of my favourite songs from Les Mis (my absolute favourite is probably Red and Black), that's also my NaNoWriMo count down! Cue hamsters singing! I'm so excited. This is my favourite month of the year, and something I always look forward to. It doesn't matter what else is going on that's yucky, this always makes everything brighter. Why? Because it gives you an amazing sense of purpose. I love that.

Anyway, I have homework that needs to get done ahead of time so I don't fall behind on WriMo. Good luck to all the other participants!

P.S. I'm pretty sure I've used that to title a post before. Obviously, I really like Les Miserables.

Another Way to Find Me

For those of you dying to see what I've been up to, I have twitter. I update it far more often than I blog, since it's better for being passive aggressive. Like usual, I'm littlestnewt - go follow me!